On Moving To The Midwest - Sorta
Have you ever taken those random animal quizzes? Once you get the answer - “I’m a wolf!” it tells you when to go to sleep, what to eat - etc. etc. etc.
I wonder what the results would tell me if I loudly declared, “I am a Firefly! Bright! Alive! Electric! And yet, constantly confused. Constantly full of self-doubt. Caught in a glass jar of my own making, bouncing against the walls, struggling to breathe.”
Fireflies do not have mantras - humans do.
As kids growing up in North Florida, we used to catch lightning bugs in my dad’s backyard. We’d capture them in a glass jar, put our hands over the top and wait while Dad poked holes in the lids.
The neighborhood kids lived for nights like these. The sundown offered a brief reprieve from the Floridian heat and humidity. No shoes for children and adults. Feet calloused and grey black from running over bricks and through dirt.
Dogs unleashed, leaping into the air to catch their own critters. That’s growing up in North Florida in the 90’s. No phones, no computers. Just bare feet, lightning storms, fireflies and a really good time.
Occasionally, I felt sadness for the flies caught in these jars. How beautiful they were in the clear glass, trying to beat themselves out. An impossible task. A lesson in love and in life. Before I knew. How often the most beautiful beings cause us the most pain.
Currently, I am torn. My nervous system is relaxing. I am caught on a loop of reminders - that was then, this is now, struggling to remember that now I can relax.
I buzz with the burdens of my past. The same inner voice reminding me I am worthless, useless, no good at nothingness.
That voice – she has never met My Mother.
My mother, who counters the weight of my worthlessness with words of encouragement. And excitement. And joy to be near me. Everyday.
She reminds me I am safe now. That it is ok to feel safe while others are not. If there was ever a time to rest, it is now. The future is not far away.
If there was ever a time to be with loved ones, it is now.
My mind, ever the teenager, tries to rebel against her kindness.
Instead of joining the rebellion, I cling to the tangible.
My mother is my neighbor.
My father answers my calls.
My friends - old and new - they love me. And I love them.
Sanctuary is growing busier by the day.
Nelly is mine. And most days, she drives me crazy. I wouldn’t trade that crazy for any kind of peace.
I am starting over - with life, with love, with action.