My Year In Review
HAPPY HOLIDAYS
On December 31 2019 I was on the Gold Coast of Australia, sipping red wine with two friends waiting for the fireworks to begin. We were working in Australia for 8 days and I still I so vividly remember flying over the fires and being astonishedat the size and the destruction.
Online, there were videos of locals running into the oceans to escape the fires chasing them, videos of koalas being badly burned and barely rescued. How could this gorgeous country survive? But the truth was, in the midst of all this chaos, I was also able to hold a koala, and meet a Quokka. The power of distraction is real.
I will spare you the almost resolved bitterness of my last job in 2019, and will skip ahead to one month later, February 2nd 2020. I left (ran away screaming from) that gig, bought a train ticket from Miami to Jacksonville and in a fashion totally unlike me, I took some time off.
Over the following month I visited with my dad in Jacksonville, was my little sister’s Valentine, spent time at our Florida beach house. I spent 7 days exploring Naples with my grandmother, aunt and my mother, whom I hadn’t seen in 5 years, since my grandfather passed away. I flew to Iowa and spent a freezing cold and uninterrupted two weeks with my mom and her boyfriend. Somehow, I made it back to LA one week before the shut down. Who knew what was to come next. I can say with 100% certainty, that I did not.
Today, I sit here behind my fancy new Mac Desktop (thanks Dad) and I write from inside the hallway outside my small bedroom, where I have somehow managed to squeeze in a working desk, a small heater, and space for all the art I’ve been trying to create since losing Clementine. It is wild to me how much space my 4.5 pound chihuahua took up.
I never noticed how empty my house was until she was gone. Since June 24th I have bought a papasan chair for my bedroom, a coffee table, curtains and sparkling lights, a galaxy cove, one for all 3 rooms of my house, 35 assorted scented and unscented candles, an iPad, 5 different types of resin, every color of card stock paper, and the list goes on(thanks for the gifts Mom).
Swamped underneath all of these new things, I’ve come to realize it’s not my house that is empty, it is me. I decorated for the holidays early this year, like Pre-Thanksgiving early, and still, emptiness. There will be no doggie sized small sweaters under the tree this year, just presents, labeled Josie, Janie, Coral, Maggie, Marley.
We have all lost so much in 2020. I feel a despair similar to flying over those fires in Australia almost one year ago. Except this year, there are no distractions. This year, the despair is real. How will we collectively and personally heal from 2020? Unfortunately, I cannot answer this question. I can only hope to share a little love at the end of this incredibly lonely year.
In memory and in honor of all those lost to 2020, I have to say, I love and I miss you all. I cannot wait for the day when we get to hug again. I wish we were sitting under fake snow drinking a warm holiday cocktail together, like some of us did last year and the one before.
The only thing I know with 100% certainty is this - you can never be sure when you’re going to see someone for the last time, so (when it’s safe to touch again) make sure to hug tighter, kiss longer, and fully express your love, platonic or otherwise, always.